dittoHeston.com

I’m getting a little overwhelmed with the volume of spam comments coming into this blog, so we’re trying something new for the next few weeks while I’m preparing for, on, and recovering from my vacation next week.

I have been averaging about 1,000 spam messages per day the last month or so, and I just can’t keep spending time clearing them out.  So we’ll try the Registered User Approach and see if that helps.

From now on, you must be registered and logged in to post a comment.  Anyone can register - it’s free!  And easy!  So please don’t give up on me

We go back to the vet in the morning for a follow-up appointment, but the little vomit machine seems to have turned a corner.  There was about a week and a half there when I thought I was going to have to send her off to live on a farm so I wouldn’t have to clean up any more doggy puke, but last night she started keeping food down again.

A few lessons learned:

• If your dog ever throws up, make sure she/he doesn’t inhale any of it back into her/his lungs.  It’s way more trouble than it’s worth.
• Meat-flavored baby food is the most disgusting substance on the face of the earth.
• If you don’t have kids, and have to shop for meat-flavored baby food, go at a time when there aren’t any mothers in the baby food aisle at the store.  They get hostile if you’re dawdling in front of the display while they’re trying to get in and out before the baby wakes up from its nap.

If I get around to it this weekend, I’ll post a picture of the little invalid at her most pathetic.  If I don’t get around to it, imagine a purse-sized dog with a chapstick-sized IV port strapped to her leg.  I think she amped up the puppy dog eyes just to get sympathy…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I know that.  I intended to post earlier, but then my dog came down with a mystery disease and I’ve been a bit preoccupied.  We’ve seen two different vets in the last three days (emergency vet on Sunday and regular vet on Monday), and neither of them could tell what’s wrong with her.

So I’m calling on the World Wide Interwebs for help!

I’ll give you a list of her symptoms, and you tell me what could potentially be wrong with her.  I’m trying to stave off a second round of x-rays and blood tests (for both her comfort and my financial solvency), so hopefully you all, in your infinite Googling wisdom, can figure this out for us.  Here we go:

• Extreme lethargy - This is a dog that moves constantly.  Really and truly all the time activity.  She just can’t sit still … normally.  Since Friday afternoon, however, all she does is lay down.  She doesn’t get off the couch when I walk through the door.  She doesn’t jump up on my bed anymore.  She. Doesn’t. Move.
• Complete lack of appetite - The last time I am sure she ate voluntarily was Thursday night.
• Vomiting - Not frequent, but a couple of times when she has tried to eat she throws it right back up.
• One slightly loose tooth that doesn’t seem to be infected or bothering her when it’s touched.

And that’s pretty much it.  The x-rays showed she hasn’t swallowed anything that’s lodged anywhere, and none of her organs are the wrong size or shape or in the wrong place.  The blood tests showed it wasn’t pancreatitis (which led to her sister’s death earlier this year).  Her temperature is normal.  Upon examination, she doesn’t seem to have any physical pain anywhere.

The vet is stumped.  I’m frantic.  Tatum’s running on empty.  Help!

Want to know what I’m doing this weekend?

and

and

So I probably won’t be posting much over the next few days.  To quote Depeche Mode, enjoy the silence!

Rehab - it’s not just for racists anymore!

Apparently he doesn’t just throw moderation out the window when he’s at Walgreen’s!  How many hours do you think it’s going to take for his publicist to leak the news that he’s checked into Promises?  Or booked his appointment with Dr. Drew?  Or spent 42 minutes in prison?

I spent this afternoon at my friend Laura’s house making friends with her newborn twin girls (affectionately known as “the peanuts”).  They were born prematurely this spring, and just came home a few weeks ago, so they’re still really tiny and amazing looking.  I’m not the kind of person who has much baby experience, so I’m always a little nervous around people who aren’t yet old enough to walk.  But I figured since both Laura and her husband would be there, we’d outnumber the babies 3 to 2, so it things couldn’t go too far awry.

I walked into the house about 1:00 and was promptly handed a baby, and for the next three hours or so I constantly had one or the other of the peanuts in my arms.  At the time, I was just having fun.  They weigh about 6 1/2 pounds each - no big deal!

It’s now 4 hours later.  It’s amazing how heavy 6 1/2 pounds can be, 4 hours later.  MAN, am I sore!

If you or someone you know ends up being responsible for disposing of me after I die, here’s what I want you to do with me.  And once I’m back, and they’re done doing their tests on me, cremate me and have them shoot the ashes into space.

As I expect to live for a long, long time, they’ll probably be testing shuttles to Mars by that point.  Or farther.  Any of that is fine.  It doesn’t have to be the moon (in fact, I’d actually prefer Mars or some other solar system to the moon).  It’s good to keep your options open…

But I bet aliens put it there.

Who knew you could make marshmallows at home?!?  And that they’d be so easy to make?!?  If you have a stand mixer, you’ll want to try this recipe asap.

No, I’m not exaggerating.

I made them yesterday morning, and they came out perfectly. And deliciously.  SUPER deliciously.  Like, “even if you don’t like marshmallows you won’t be able to keep your hands off these” deliciously.

Okay, I have to stop typing so I can go eat just one more…

Wednesday, July 9, 2008 - Saw George Michael perform “Careless Whisper” live in concert.

Childhood goals remaining:

#2 - launch into outer space accidentally while visiting the space shuttle

#3 - make out with John Cusack

#4 - prove to the world that eating tomatoes is actually bad for you

#5 - become member of the British Royal Family

It only took me 25 years to achieve the first goal … how long do you think it will be until NASA lets me on a shuttle?  Preferrably with Tate Donovan and Joaquin Phoenix?

Man, I’d hate to be a member of the Rooney family come Christmas this year if this doesn’t work out the way Dan (and the entire city of Pittsburgh) want…

Chant it with me now, everyone:

Stay in Pittsburgh!

Stay in Pittsburgh!

Stay in Pittsburgh!

Dear Prima Donna Crybabies,

Shut the hell up.

I’ve met actual babies who whine less than you.  Trust me - acting infantile makes you neither cute nor sweet smelling.

So are you done yet?

Sincerely,
dittoHeston

Kid posted some questions in response to my last post.  Some of them were actually worth answering.  So here you go.

1) how did you ever get into a NASCAR fantasy league in the first place?
I think I must have been invited as a joke.  A friend of mine runs a league for a bunch of his Harvard NASCAR friends, and I made fun of him for it.  A lot.  So much that he apparently thought it would be funny to invite me to join.  I think he assumed I would never do it.  Now I’m thinking they all regret the invite.

or

Guessing My Way to the Top

That’s right, baby … I’m in third place now!!!

Courtesy of my brother, a video of one of the awesomest songs from our childhood.