dittoHeston.com

Kid posted some questions in response to my last post.  Some of them were actually worth answering.  So here you go.

1) how did you ever get into a NASCAR fantasy league in the first place?
I think I must have been invited as a joke.  A friend of mine runs a league for a bunch of his Harvard NASCAR friends, and I made fun of him for it.  A lot.  So much that he apparently thought it would be funny to invite me to join.  I think he assumed I would never do it.  Now I’m thinking they all regret the invite.

or

Guessing My Way to the Top

That’s right, baby … I’m in third place now!!!

Courtesy of my brother, a video of one of the awesomest songs from our childhood. 

Remember when we talked about my NASCAR Fantasy Team a couple of months ago?  Things have continued to go well in that area.  Apparently, I’m not just a Yarn Savant - I’m a White-Trash-Pseudo-Athletic-League Savant, too.  Six weeks ago I was in 8th place…

… and now I’m in FOURTH!!!  And I’m only 6 points out of third. 

(I’m still 235 points behind first, but that stat doesn’t sound so impressive so I’m not dwelling on it.)

So my new goal is to finish the season in the top three.  Excuse me, but I have to go guess at some drivers for next week.

The cast of the next Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew has been announced.  Awesome.  Rodney King?  Tawney Kitaen?  Another American Idol loser?  Brilliant!

P.S. If you didn’t watch season 1, you missed out.  It was actually really good.

…or effective behavior modification technique?  You be the judge! 

Disclaimer: This story is so not funny because the kid is 5 and has special needs.

But seriously - I didn’t know voting the annoying person out was even an OPTION in school!  How awesome would that have been if you could take a class vote and kick the annoying one out for the rest of the day?  If you’re that guy/girl who gets voted out, I have to imagine you’re going to change your behavior pretty quickly.  It’s peer pressure channelled in a positive way!

Sure, there need to be some guidelines.  Obviously you can’t vote out the 5-year-old autistic kid because that’s just mean.  So, how about a minimum age of 10 (or whatever grade that corresponds to)?  And no voting based on disability/gender/sexual orientation/ethnicity.  (Notice that I didn’t include religion - the preachy kid has got to be taught a lesson in tolerance!)  I think, though, with a little teacher regulation, this could be a very effective way to get the freaks to stop being so disruptive.

Then again, I don’t have kids, and I was never really the disruptive kid in class myself.  Thoughts?

Since all of my friends left town this weekend but I can’t afford to go anywhere, I’m making my own Big Weekend.  And it’s actually going really well, thanks to a couple of serendipitous surprises.

1. My Wii Fit arrived 5 days early!  And thank GOD I pre-ordered, because it’s now completely backordered on Amazon and the vultures are selling them for almost twice what I paid.  (I’m only a little annoyed at myself for not thinking far enough in advance to pre-order TWO, so that I would have one to sell for almost twice the original price…)  So instead of sitting around on my butt all weekend, like I would normally do on a holiday weekend, I’ve alternated between sitting on my butt and imaginary hula-hooping.  It’s certainly not as good a workout as actually working out, but it’s better than not doing anything at all.

2. I had a Major Find at a yard sale yesterday.  This will make me sound weird and more than a little lame, but I think you all know me well enough by this time so you won’t be surprised by that.  For the last few months, I’ve been wanting a slow cooker.  Specifically, I wanted the Rival 6-quart programmable Crock Pot with the dishwasher-safe removable crock.  But I know I won’t use it very often, so I have had a hard time justifying the expense ($60 average retail price) for something I’ll only use a couple of times a year.  So imagine my surprise when I found one at a yard sale yesterday morning!  I walked by on my way to run a few errands, so I told myself if it was still there when I was coming home I’d look at it.  It was.  It was brand new.  Never even taken out of the box.  They sold it to me for $20.  Yay!  Kalua pig for dinner tomorrow night, if anyone wants to come help me eat it

On top of the happy surprises, I saw the Transformers with that kid from Even Stevens last night, and Indiana Jones and that kid from Even Stevens tonight, and they were both pretty good.  I had low expectations for both, as both featured that kid from Even Stevens, and was pleasantly surprised by each.  Looks like I’ll have to find a Red Box tomorrow that has Holes so I can make it a trifecta.

Dear Women of NPR,

Please.  ENOUGH with the guilt trip, already!  The fact that I am more enthusiastic about Barack Obama than Hillary Clinton does not make me a traitor.

I get that you’re trying to report the sexism Hillary Clinton has faced over the course of her campaign.  I see it.  I recognize that it exists.  I do believe that it’s absurd and unacceptable.

But I would still rather have Obama in the White House.

And that doesn’t make me less of a woman.  Or mean that I care less about women not having equal opportunities with men in this country.  All it means is that I feel like Obama is the more qualified candidate.  Not because of what’s between his legs, but because of what’s between his ears.

I’m offering you a deal - stop trying to make me feel guilty about supporting a *gasp* male candidate, and I promise to tell people if they’re being stupid, sexist, and/or misogynistic when they talk about Hillary with me. 

I can’t promise I’ll picket NBC with you … because I have a job.  I have to go to work.  A job where every day I work with employees who perceive that they are treated unfairly because they are female, or old, or overweight, or a minority, or have a disability, or any number of other reasons people are treated unfairly.  That’s what I do.  For a living.

So enough with the veiled accusations.

Thank you,
dittoHeston

You may be asking yourself, why is today a happy day?

Because today is the day I signed up for the 2008 Sunday Ticket package!  (Yes, that’s how my Stimulus Package was deployed to fight the war on recession.)

I know it’s only May, but I AM READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL.

What a resume - Trekkie, Hero, gay activist, and now … cradle robber! 

I have a cold.  It sucks.  We only have hard, scratchy tissues at work.

Thank God for Burt’s Bees Res-Q Ointment.

If you’ve never used it, go buy some today so you have it on hand next time you have a cold/sinus infection/generally gunky sinuses.  Smear a little on the bottom of your nose from time to time, and the compulsive nose-blowing won’t hurt nearly as much.

I am convinced the tire industry is a giant racket.  And they are in cahoots with the Illinois Department of Transportation.

Why else would I need to buy new tires less than 6 months after I just bought new tires?  And not because I have flats, but because my tires are “damaged” to the point of becoming “hazards” because of all the pot holes I drive over.

Suspiciously, the guys at the TWO tire places I’ve talked to in the last three days can’t answer two simple questions:

1. What kind of tires can I buy that will hold up against the minefields I drive through on my way to/from work every day?
2. What route can I take between E-Town and the office that ISN’T riddled with pot holes?

And THAT, my friends, is why I call it a racket.  If no tire exists that can hold up to pot holes, and no route exists that is pot hole-free, someone must be conspiring to bankrupt me.

I would love to know what kind of kickbacks our esteemed governor is getting from Bridgestone & Pirelli.

A couple of months ago I was invited to join a NASCAR fantasy league.  As a joke.  So I accepted.  As a joke.  And now I’m hooked - not on NASCAR, but on winning … without actually learning about NASCAR.

My strategy?  It started out simple: pick the drivers with country-sounding names.  Jimmies, Kyles, and Kurts all got picked.  Marks got skipped.  As the season has progressed, now I’m just picking drivers who have earned the most points.  If there’s a tie, the guy with the more country-sounding name gets picked.

And I’ve been in the top 10 in my league 8 weeks out of 9.  (That’s top 50%, since there are 20 teams in the league!)  Currently, I’m ranked 8th and I’m about 200 points behind #1.  And I am somewhat obsessed with staying in the top 10.  The one week I fell below, I got really bizarrely upset about it.  So it’s disappointing to me that I may have hit a rule-imposed wall.

Apparently, in my league you can’t start a driver more than 9 times.  Which means my most consistent B-level driver (Kyle somebody) has to be retired before the next race.  How am I supposed to win without paying attention if I have to start looking at things other than points and names?!?

This league is unfair and biased against non-NASCAR watchers.  I’m thinking about filing a grievance.

I haven’t been doing the online dating thing recently, but I still have a profile up on one of the more popular sites.  So occasionally I am contacted by guys who find it at random.

I just got a “wink” from a guy who’s profile begins with “Expecting my first baby in May…”

Uh, no.  No, I don’t think I’ll be following up on that lead.

Nothing significant (or significantly interesting) has been happening here lately, so I thought I’d share a random selection of less-than-significant updates.

This morning as I was walking to the train, I witnessed a Very Dramatic Break-Up.  An SUV pulled out of an alley about a block in front of where I was walking, and immediately behind it a guy was running in jeans, a t-shirt, and what looked like bedroom slippers screaming “Niiiinaaaa” at the top of his lungs.  He chased the SUV for about a block, but when it turned south he gave up and started walking north along the same sidewalk I was on.  I crossed the street.  He was sobbing, pacing back and forth in his slippers, and was intently focused on a cell phone.  Apparently Nina was stupid enough to answer his call, because all of a sudden I heard him start screaming “I’m f***ing lonely, you bitch” and “Because you f***ing left me, that’s why!” and assorted other similar choice phrases.

I was feeling a little bad for the poor guy in a t-shirt & slippers up to this point.  But once he started screaming like that, I applauded for Nina in my head for getting away from the nutjob.  Screaming obscenities at a woman who drove away from you at 6:45 on a Monday morning is NOT the way a desirable life partner behaves.  He deserved to get left.

A couple of weeks ago I started a diet.  I decided there was still enough time left between April 1 and summer to slim up a little, and certainly enough time between April 1 and my vacation in September to get my pathetic suburban butt into better shape.  So I bought a book, created meal plans, and started feasting on fruits, vegetables, and brown rice.  Good times.  The first week was fine, except for the incessant caffeine headache.  The second week, the headache went away but I was completely bored with my meal plan. 

Today I graduated to Phase 2, which means I’m now allowed lean meats, seafood,  unsweetened cereal, a little cheese, and a little caffeine every day.  I thought I better take it slow this morning, so I just had a cup of tea with breakfast.

Big Mistake.

When the diet book said “detox” in Phase 1, they really meant it.  I had 1 cup of tea, and I was wired all morning.  Completely wired.  ADD-child wired.  Couldn’t focus on anything.  I went to the gym at lunch, hoping to burn some of it off.  Didn’t help.  And then around 2:30 … the inevitable crash.  I’m so tired now I can barely stand it.  So now I’m left with a dilemma - do I wean myself back on the caffeine (I do love a good Diet Coke), or stick with my new, caffeine-free system?  I know plan B is healthier, but is it realistic?

AND, today at lunch I put some turkey on my salad - it was the first meat I’ve eaten in 2 weeks.  And it tasted so salty to me I couldn’t eat it.

I’m scared now about what this diet will do to my relationship with bacon.

If I turn into a vegetarian over this, I’m totally suing Dr. Ian Smith, “Celebrity Fit Club,” VH1, and the publishers of the “Fat Smash Diet.”

Random side question - I’m looking for something new to add to the TiVo rotation - any suggestions?  I’m currently burning through a crazy number of episodes of Jon & Kate + 8, High School Confidential, and Law & Order: CI reruns.  It’s not normal, I know.  But I don’t really care.

And finally, to end on a positive note, my George Michael tickets came last week.  Have I told you how excited I am to see this show?!?  SO. EXCITED. I. COULD. PEE.